I have no idea if people still read my blogs, but hey, this was 2 years ago and I was trying to figure out why I feel badly about myself.
I'm happy to report that while I haven't lost any weight I feel much more confident in my appearance and what I'm doing with my life. In short, I'm happy!
I feel so much more in control of my life now.
So, read the blog below.
The Battle of Fit and Fat; or blogs I write when I should be temping
April 2nd, 2007
Current mood: contemplative
I've been thinking lately about how much of my life has been determined by the two words fit and fat. Mostly, how those two words make me feel about myself. I thought to myself, I should look up these words and find out what they really mean, as opposed to what I think they mean. And for the most part, they are pretty close to what I thought.
Now, there are way to many definitions of both of these words, so I will leave you with some of my favorites.
fit
–adjective 1. adapted or suited; appropriate:
2. proper or becoming:
3. qualified or competent, as for an office or function:
4. prepared or ready:
5. in good physical condition; in good health:
–verb (used with object)
7. to be adapted to or suitable for (a purpose, object, occasion, etc.).
8. to be proper or becoming for.
9. to be of the right size or shape for:
10. to adjust or make conform:
fat
–adjective
1. having too much flabby tissue; corpulent; obese:
2. plump; well-fed:
5. affording good opportunities, esp. for gain:
6. wealthy; prosperous; rich: He
7. big, broad, or extended; thick:
8. plentiful; abundant:
10. dull; stupid: fat clumsiness of manner.
15. fertile, as land: Everything grows in this fat soil.
–noun
18. the richest or best part of anything.
19. obesity; corpulence:
21. an overabundance or excess; superfluity.
22. action or lines in a dramatic part that permit an actor to display abilities.
I'm reading this book right now that talks about how fat isn't a feeling, but for some reason we think it is, because people always say, "I feel so fat today," but what they really mean are so many other things. And that book is right. When I "feel fat," I usually am feeling overwhelmed, unloved, lonely, unworthy, and many other things that make me feel like giving up. But I also feel this way about the word fit.
Either "my clothes don't fit" or "I don't fit in" or "if only I could fit in one more show" or "I'm just having a fit about being fat and not fitting in and not being fit." It all leads to me feeling like I can't handle what's going on in my life. Both words and what they mean makes me scared about what my life will be like if I don't change something, and soon.
I've only told a few people this story about visiting Claire and Matt in San Fran. For people that know, that hilly city is about public transportation and walking. Its the best way to see that city and the people that live there. But for me, I was having such a hard time. Here I was, with three fit people walking the streets of this beautiful city, and I couldn't keep up. I was trying so hard. I tried to not complain, and tried to keep up with conversations, but I couldn't do it. I felt like I was too fat. I couldn't breathe and I hurt. Claire and Matt were really good to me. I think they could tell I was struggling, and would fall back to join me. But I felt so bad. I knew they didn't think any less of me, or anything bad about me, but I felt bad that I couldn't keep up. I felt bad when we got on the trolley cars and they were trying to fit as many people as possible onto the car, and I was taking up too much space. At least for me, that's how it felt.
And now, here I am, having started my new fantastic wonderful great business, and I'm struggling to get this idea of what a new theatre owner should look like out of my head.
You don't have to be fit to run a great business Kristin. You should be happy.
And I am happy with the business. Things are going well, and everyone is so supportive of what Doug and I are doing. But I can't get the "thin" version of me out of my head.
Fel Macias (old department chair of my theatre in college) came by out of the blue to check out The Box the other day. It was so great to see him, to show him around and see that he was proud of me. But this little part of me in the back of my head was concerned with whether or not he realized how much weight I had gained since he saw me last. It's ridiculous.
For me, I realize that I have to stop focusing on what I look like, and more on what I'm doing with my life. It's hard when society places so much emphasis on our looks. I know that I need to take care of myself so I'm healthy and that will help make me happy. I have to forget about fit and fat, and focus on me. What I do defines who I am.
There is one definition that I will take with me today, and oddly for me, it's from the fat list. Fat –noun 18. the richest or best part of anything.
And with that definition I can proudly say, I am fat.
