Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Back in the Saddle

While the last week has been very busy for me, it's not super interesting.

Every evening last week I went to my old apartment and packed my life into boxes. A lot of things I just threw away. It's bizarre to see everything you own in one room, in boxes. How did it all use to fill one apartment?

My dad did something for me that I couldn't do and took my cat to the Humane Society. I had to surrender her. It's painful and I feel awful, but I know in my heart of hearts I wasn't the best home for her. I'm rarely home, and I believe that she could use a really great family. Glinda, wherever you are, I hope you are a happy kitty.

Wednesday was my training day with CJ and he asked me how I'm doing. I think the stress of everything compounded itself together, plus the lovely added bonus of PMSing and I was a crying mess in no time.

One of the difficult things about this process is that everyone in your life is constantly asking you how you are doing. There are so many moments where I just want to tell them to read the blog. I try super hard to treat each person as new, as being someone who is genuinely interested in my story (which I'm sure most are) and let them know honestly how I'm doing. It is easier more times than not to give the easy answer of, "I'm doing okay. It's really hard." or "Good workout today, lots of punching," and skirt around the issue of how very exhausted I am. How it is very difficult to have so many people giving you assignments, some of them conflicting, and barely ever have a moment for yourself by yourself, truly, any more. Those are the moments that the tears come and I fall apart. I know it's just a moment. It will pass and I will feel better and positive about everything again. But when I'm crying and falling apart it feels like an easy thing to go back to the way life use to be.

AND then I remember how miserable that was and why I said yes to this journey in the first place.

And then I get sick. Super congested nose with sniffles and cough. Wilton had already given me the weekend off to finish moving and now, Monday morning, I can barely breath as I wake up. I text him and let him know I won't be making it in to the gym, but will rally for Tuesday.

Made it in today, for PAINE... my most "favorite" class. ;) Did okay, but still feeling sick. Weighed myself afterwards and staying strong at 277.3, which means I lost a total of 11 pounds in January. Whoo!

It's been a struggle, this past week. Lots of ups and downs. Lots of tears.  I've got a pretty good support system in place and I know that things are changing, that there is progress. And I get an email from a friend's husband saying that they are rooting for me in Utah and that I've inspired him to get off his butt and his doctor thanks me. A dear new friend telling me that she is going to quit smoking because of what I am doing. Because if I can do what I'm doing, she can quit smoking. That is worth all the tears right there. And so I ask you out there who are reading this, if you are starting on your own fitness journey, consider keeping a blog yourself. You don't have to write every day, or every week, but write about your journey; share it with your friends (and with me!) and inspire those around you. For me it's one of the best motivators in the world. Perhaps it will do the same for you.

All the love,
Kristin

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

out of pocket

Dear Readers,
 Sorry for being incommunicado for the last week. I'm in the process of moving out of my old apartment and haven't had much time for anything else. Here are some highlights:
 I finally got to cook in my own kitchen on Sunday.
 I deadlifted 132 lbs.
 I weighed in at 277 lbs bringing the total for this month to 11lbs lost.
 Our 501(c)3 application has been sent to another department for "final approval." I don't know what that means or how much longer its going to take, but things are progressing, so that's good.
 That's all for now. Footage to come of me moved in to the new apartment!
 All the love,
 Kristin

Friday, January 20, 2012

The Luckiest Girl in the World

I happen to know some very incredible people. I am so very thankful and fortunate to have come into contact with the people I have in my life. The last 2 days have been incredible reminders of this. First, my mom, who has been so supportive of me and ALL of the choices I've made in my adult life. She continually is there to lend a hand with the theatre when I need one, help me out with money when things are tight and just recently bought me all new kitchen supplies so I can start this journey off right. So I can cook in my own home with the correct tools. Second, my partner and best friend Doug. On top of being an amazing man, has been one of the biggest cheerleaders I've had in my life and continues to push me towards the future and to not dwell on the past. He's been so understanding as I've been trying to figure this new schedule out. I know just how much he has on his plate every day and I'm so thankful that he makes time for me. Third (and Fourth) Jenny and Wilton for giving me this amazing gift of recapturing my life. I'm finally learning how to take care of myself and put myself first. Everything is so new and weird and strange to me, but exhilirating. I cannot express how thankful I am to have both of them enter into my life at this time. For allowing me to learn to cook in her kitchen. For helping me pick out the perfect new tennis shoes. Those are amazing gifts and I feel so lucky. They are both so incredibly generous of heart. There are so many other people who have already been so amazing on this journey; my dad, my amazing sister, CJ and all the trainers at eVolv, the great staff at KJ, all of my fantastc support system on facebook that keeps getting added to daily. It is amazing (and a little weird, but in a good way) to know that I have so many people reading my blog daily and cheering me on. To get a comment from someone I've only met once saying that I'm inspiring. Its so much that I'm feeling. So much love and inspiration being shared it can be overwhelming at times. It's a hughnormous (thank you Katie Korbas!) feeling. I walked my 3 miles in 64 minutes yesterday. Every week we are going to try to shave a minute off. Stay tuned to the exciting results. ;) Thank you to all that have been reading. You're the best! All the love, Kristin

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Punches

Today I got to go back to my most favorite class, Body Combat! Cardio Shadow Boxing, this time with 4 instructors. It was awesome. Met some new people. And after class had a really nice talk with CJ. He asked me how I was doing mentally. How I was handling everything.

I think so far I'm doing well. I have my days where I feel like a baby, like I don't know how to do anything and I'm learning how to do stuff for the first time. I'm 30 years old and I should know how to do some of the stuff that I'm just learning how to do now. But at least I'm trying. I didn't say no to the process. I'm saying yes and being vulnerable and trying new things and growing as a person. So, yes, there are moments where I feel like an awkward midschooler all over again but I remind myself that it is part of the process and it won't feel like this forever.

I also lost two pounds since Friday, so that's cool.

I have homework assignments from CJ to eat an egg, watch a sunrise and describe it in writing and to keep a gratuity journal every morning.

Work was good. Got lots of stuff done.

Rehearsal was good. Got lots of stuff done there too.

Tomorrow I have a big important meeting in the morning for my theatre at 8:30 am, so I won't be going in to eVolve for class. Instead Wilton has prescribed 3 miles on the treadmill at whatever speed I want as long as I don't stop. I will report back with how long it took to complete.

Well, time for sleep. I hope you all had a great day!

All the love,
Kristin

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

44 Pounds

Today was pretty good even  though I had to go to PAINE. That's a joke. PAINE was fine. It was hard, but I made it through with the modifications. After PAINE I had some personal training with Rachel. She said her specialty is barbells. So we worked on 3 different lifts and then started adding weight. I got up to 44 pounds in an overhead lift. That was pretty interesting to me. Would have never tried that on my own, so that's cool.

Everything else was good today. I  made it to work on time. Had a good Willy Wonka rehearsal. Good Q improv rehearsal. Ate all my food today. So all in all, successes. I'm sorry I haven't been more interesting lately, but it means things are good, so that's good right?

All the love,
Kristin

Monday, January 16, 2012

Normal

Today felt pretty normal. Got up, went to work out. Finished working out, went home, got ready for work. Went to work. Went to rehearsal. Now I'm writing my blog. Settling in to a new routine feels pretty good. Nothing revolutionary or interesting.

Wilton said that I had some new swagger. That was cool.

Tomorrow I have to go back to PAINE. I don't hate the class. It's just so hard. One of the hardest physical things I've ever done. And then I have personal training after. Hopefully it will all go okay and I won't pass out or something. Or cry again. I'm sure it will be great.

I have to go home and cook turkey burgers now before Jenny kicks my butt about not making my food for the week.

All the love,
Kristin

Sunday, January 15, 2012

A Weekend

Friday began with a walk. A walk with Wilton. I've enjoyed these walks so far, even though I know we are timing them and I need to walk faster. It's nice to talk and share things with someone new. I haven't done that in a long time. When we got back to the gym, CJ said, "Come over here to the scale. How much did you weigh when you started with us?" "Um, I weighed 288 at the beginning of this week," I said as I stepped on the the scale, shoes still on. "Congratulations, you lost four pounds," and then I got a fist bump. What? I thought to myself as I looked down at the scale. There it was 283.7 pounds. And that was just from Monday to Friday. It's begun. The physical transformation. It was a huge push to my heart. Wow. I can do this. Even more so when CJ announced it to the cardiobox class as we got started. A round of applause, or congratulations, makes my actor's heart soar. I finish class, post my weight loss to facebook and proceed to get over 30 comments and over 50 "likes." Woah, people are following this journey. More than I'd ever guess. Ran some errands, watched the very last episode of "One Life to Live" with my family (it's the soap we've followed for years and now it's over), and back to The Box to clean and get ready for The Show. After the show, we went out with some friends to Chili's where I ordered grilled chicken, broccoli and black beans. I know I can eat these things on my food plan. I just hope I kept within my servings. I did have a few chips with salsa (and a couple with queso! aaah!) Saturday morning found me at my old apartment picking up trash and gathering a few things to take to my new apartment. I still have yet to move my couch and other big furniture. Soon I'll find time to make this happen. Then over to rehearsal for Willy Wonka Kids. DUDE, these kids are good. You should definitely come see this show when it opens in February. Jenny and I had talked on Thursday and she felt (and I kind of do too) that I should only get one cheat meal a week instead of a whole cheat day. It makes sense. So I ate my regular diet all day Saturday until dinner time. Then I went to Sushi King and had some extremely yummy sushi. It was super good. With my sprite, which was delicious. Then back to the Box for Tricklock Company's The Reptilian Lounge. I can't explain the whole lounge here, but click the link to find out it's amazingness. The lounge gets started at 10:30 pm and ends around 1 am. It's tons of fun, but a loooooong night. By the time we got everything cleaned up and chilled for a moment, I crawled into bed at 3:00 am. Woke up at 8:00 am, to get dressed and meet Wilton at eVolve by 8:45 am. Then I remember I need gas in my car! Aaaah, not planning my time well enough again. I make it to eVolve and with sleepy eyes tell Wilton about the Lounge and my bed time. We were supposed to go for a walk, but Wilton let's me slide today and just head into Hot Yoga. Now, Hot Yoga, for those of you that don't know is yoga, but in a room that is heated to 105 degrees with 60 percent humidity. It sounds scary at first. I stood in the studio and felt a little worried. My body started to acclimate to the heat and the humidity. The teacher assured me that it was fine to just sit in the corner with a towel on my head if I felt like I was doing too much. It was cool to even step outside to get cool. I took a yoga class in college that I really enjoyed, practiced on and off with a dvd in my home. I actually really like yoga. It's nice to focus on breathing and alignment and stretching. With the added heat and humidity it was a really interesting experience. Jennifer, the instructor was great. She talked about how our muscles hold memories and sometimes when we stretch they release certain emotions. That's exactly what I thought! Towards the end I got a little choked up. I felt much more open and relaxed, yet energized when it was over. Then I drove home and crawled back into bed for a nap... which turned into sleep for four hours. It was sooooooo nice. Finally woke up, took a shower, came over to The Box to get ready for a birthday party performance of The Show. The party is wrapping up right now. I think they had a blast. Still a night of work ahead of me, but it'll be nice to check some things off of the to do list. Sleep well friends. All my love, Kristin

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Late

"Nothing happens unless first we dream."
 
- Carl Sandburg, was an American writer and editor, best known for his poetry.  
This quote is from a newsletter I get every morning from The Daily Love. It's a good one and I recommend checking it out. Full of inspirational quotes and stories. 

Wilton is also full of inspirational quotes and stories. Somehow I get a pick me up text message from him just when I need one. It's pretty cool. I'm lucky to have a great new friend and teacher.

Let's get to today. I ran late to everything today. I was late to the gym, and then late getting out of the gym, and then REALLY late getting to work. There were lots of little things that seemed to go wrong with today, yet somehow I was able to take all the information that came in to me today and work with it.

Starting with the gym I was about 10 minutes late. I had to grab all of my equipment and catch up to where everybody else was. That was okay. Then, my sports bra decided it didn't want to stay attached to itself anymore.... The straps on this sports bra detach so you can make it a racerback or a regular strapped bra. It decided it didn't want to do either of those and came loose right in the middle of my workout. I had to stop, go into the bathroom, take it off, reattach the straps and then put it all back on again. It was pretty funny. And frustrating. I just wish they made a supportive sports bra for bigger ladies like myself. In fact I wish the whole sport clothing line industry made better clothing for bigger girls! It might make us feel more inclined to work out! Anyway, finished the workout which went well today. Chris is a great instructor who always remembers to mention the modifications of the workout. So nice for me. Put all the equipment away and talked to Wilton for a little bit before realizing that time had been ticking away like crazy. 

I hopped in my car and sped off back to my downtown apartment. Took a crazy fast shower, dressed, packed my lunch and made it to work late. Which sucked. Had a conversation with our HR manager and we were able to come to a solution on my tardiness. 

Time management has always been a problem for me. I've always misjudged the amount of time it is going to take to do something. Sometimes I even gauge too much time to do something when it really didn't take as long. As Jenny said to me today after work, the only thing I really have to worry about now is logistics. So, my goal is to plan my time out better. Try to wake up earlier to take care of my lunch and snacks for the day. Before going to sleep really look at what's on the docket for the next day and plan out what I can realistically get done. Hopefully I will get better with all of this.

Last night I put out a goal to the facebook world of once I get to my goal weight I will learn and perform the choreography to Beyonce's Single Ladies. She dances her butt off in that video. And she makes it look effortless, which is a true mark of someone's talent. So that's the goal. 

I've got to be at eVolve at 9:00 am, so I best be getting some sleep!

All the love,
Kristin

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Exhilarate

Today was a GREAT day. I ate my breakfast (clif bar) and went to Body Combat which was taught by Wilton, CJ, and Jody. Fast paced and so much fun. I'd have to say that it's my favorite class that I've taken so far. Plus it has a lot of punching. That's always a good time. I felt energized, excited and happy afterwards. Exhilarated. I'm holding that feeling close to my heart tonight. Yogurt on the drive home. Did some work at the theatre before running home to take a shower, get dressed and make it to work.

I felt pretty productive with all the work I did today at work. Had my turkey burger with wheat sandwich thins, and carrots for lunch. Turkey and pineapple for snack. Then chicken rice and veggies for dinner. Great rehearsal with the kids for Willy Wonka. They sound great already.

Good day, didn't cry. Looking forward to tomorrow.

All my love,
Kristin

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Well


I've decided that my body is holding all these emotions, and that is why I'm overweight... I know that's not the whole story, but hear me out.

Today I went to PAINE and this class is perfectly named. It was seriously one of the hardest physical things I've ever done, ever. Strength training intervals. Lots of going down and coming back up, which at this point in time is not easy for me. I modify the heck out of most of the class and I'm almost to the end. We're doing one of the last set of crunches when I get this overwhelming wave of sadness and disappointment... And in a weird way relief. I'm doing sit ups and I'm crying.

Class ends and I pull myself together enough to put my mat and weights away. Then Wilton asks me how I'm doing... I shake my head no, knowing if I begin to talk I'm just going to start crying again. And then I can't help it, the tears just start coming. He tells me what a great job I did in class. That I should be proud that I finished. I nod yes but I keep tearing up. We say our good byes and I make it to my car just to cry some more. I cry the whole way home. Finally, after talking to Doug I start to calm down... and I feel better. Each time I've cried recently I've felt a release, a release of some emotion I've been holding onto.

I think its the exercise perhaps trying to find those happy endorphins, but instead coming across sadness and hurt and then telling them to get the hell out the way. So often in our lives we try to be strong for our loved ones. To not let them in on how we are truly feeling, we don't want to hurt them with our pain. So we hold it in. We get bottled up. Its like I'm a bottle of coke that someone just shook up and took the cap off.

I'm doing better, the fizz is dying down.

The rest of the day was normal. Battled my curiosity in trying a chocolate red chile biscochito and won. Went to the kickoff party for Tricklock Company where they got to officially announce that they are going to be our neighbors. So excited to have truly lovely and talented people a lobby away. All in all, beside the odd sobbing fit it was a good day. I have great supportive people by my side. The best friends a girl could ask for. I'm so thankful.

All the love,
Kristin

Monday, January 9, 2012

Modify, Modify, Modify

I owe you guys a total of 3 blogs.... one to make up for Saturday's non-blogness, one for Sunday, and one for today. So, this will be 3 blogs in one.

Saturday, I didn't have to go to the gym and I was given way to have a cheat day. It was a busy day as we had auditions for our upcoming Cardboard Playhouse Theatre Company production of Willy Wonka Kids. I ate all my regular breakfast of oatmeal, apple, and yogurt. Had a snack of pineapple. And then I had 3 pieces of a personal pizza and some soda. Then 2.5 hours of auditions. Showed my sister my new apartment. Went back to the theatre for The Show. Wilton came to see The Show with his family. It was nice to be able to share my business with him after he's been so gracious of sharing his business with me. After The Show we took the cast to JC's NYPD. I had a chicken parmigiana sandwich with a salad and some more soda. Then finally home to sleep. All in all a good day. Might have gone over my calories for the day... I'll try to do better.

Sunday found me meeting Wilton at eVolve for some one on one training. I ate a yogurt and an applesauce on the way there and then we went for a walk around my old elementary school. It was a nice brisk walk and talk where I feel like we got to know each other a lot better. Then, back at the gym, Wilton put some boxing gloves on me. I've never boxed ever. It was fun. Then some work with the resistance bands. Then my least favorite thing ever, lunges. They hurt my knees so much. Wilton is working with me to improve my technique so I do them so they don't hurt so much. It's going to take a lot of practice, but I think my technique will get better. Then home to shower, then to the grocery store, then Jenny was so kind to let me come over and cook at her home again as my apartment is still not totally moved in. She let me cook all on my own. I think I did pretty good, although without her helpful reminders I totally would have burned my chicken. I made 7 dinners, and made all my turkey burgers for lunch! Took me about an hour and a half. Gigantic feat for me and something that now feels totally doable. On my way to Jenny's I ate some turkey and string cheese. At the store I had a tuna sandwich on whole wheat. Snack after cooking, Clif bar. Cast the play. Gathered all my laundry, went to my sister's house. Ate chicken and black beans and rice. Did laundry and burned cds and fell asleep with my computer in my lap working on the rehearsal schedule.

Luckily I woke up at 8:00 am and had enough time to get ready for the gym for my 9:00 am CX Worx class. It focuses on toning your core. It was hard, but I made it through the 30 minute class in time for the 9:30 am Cardiobox class with CJ which again kicked my butt. What I have to continually remind myself in both of these classes is to modify things. I can't do everything yet, but I can do part or a not as intense version of what everyone else is doing. Made it through cardiobox again, so that was cool. Ran back to my sister's to shower, get dressed and collect my clean clothes. Made it to work a little late today. I was already bummed out that I hadn't finished the work I needed to the night before and now was definitely not going to get it done. Plus I had been rushing around so much I still hadn't eaten anything. I ran out to my car and grabbed a clif bar. After watching the front desk I was able to make my turkey burger with whole wheat sandwich buns and some carrots. So tired, I decided to drink a diet coke to get some caffeine in my system.

Today was the day that our office was going to get all measured and weighed for our competition. I was dreading it all day. Tired, hungry, bummed out... not a good mix to then find out your measurements. My weight hadn't changed from the last time I went to the doctor. 288 pounds. You read it here first. So disappointed in myself for letting it come this far before taking action. Then the BMI telling me I fall in the Obesity III category. Ugh. And the shame spiral is taking me under. Again, I cry in Jenny's office and I'm so mad at myself for being so weak.

I get so emotional and in my head that I can't talk about how I'm feeling. Jenny keeps trying to reassure me that I'm going to rock this and that no matter what I can't give up on myself. These things I know, but seeing it all on paper staring at me in black and white is just so heartbreaking. I know I will pull myself up and keep going. I'm taking this chance for everything that I can. I need to stop attaching so much weight to my weight. It's just a number after all. It doesn't change who I am as a person.

I finish up the day still feeling pretty low. Go pick up the copies for rehearsal from Kinko's. Head to The Box, heat up my dinner which I only eat 1/2 of. Just not hungry. The emotional eater in me is craving comfort food like mac and cheese, but I'm saying no and trying to deal with how I feel. The kids start to show up and I know I've got to get out there, smile and take charge. We have a great rehearsal, have brought so many great new kids into the theatre for the show (including Wilton's daugher! yay!) and I feel better. I'm with my family again and I know things are possible.

I know I have such a long road ahead of me. I know that it is possible to make happen. Jenny's goal for me is to lose 8 pounds by the end of the month. My goal is to be able to do lunges correctly. I'll be at PAINE in the am. I'll do my best to eat before I go. I'll do my best to have a snack and make it to work on time. I'll keep doing my best in everything I do and keep the smile on my face for as long as I can. Thank you so much for all of your support everybody. I wouldn't be this far without you.

Tomorrow's another day.

All my love,
Kristin

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Cheat Day

Hello Dear Reader,

Today was a long exciting day and will tell you all about it tomorrow when I'm at a computer and not my blackberry. Sleep sweet!

All my love,
Kristin

Friday, January 6, 2012

Five Days Fast Food Free

Had a great day today. Went to Cardiobox at eVolv taught by CJ. That class kicked my butt. But I finished it and I know I can only get better at it. Star Jumps, I will get you.... maybe not today, or tomorrow, but someday.

Next my mom, sister and I were taking my grandma to the St. James Tea Room. Going into this, this first eating out experience since this all started, I was nervous. I wanted to participate because it was a special event, but I knew I'd need to watch what I ate. I called and asked for the gluten-free menu to cut down on the bread. Even with that there were still a lot of sweets and things with cream. I ate the tea sandwiches with the cucumbers and turkey and then just took one bite of everything else. Hopefully it won't upset my diet too much.

After spending some really lovely time with my family it was off for a staff meeting at my day job. It was your typical staff meeting until at the end the lovely and wonderful Mandy asked Jenny if she wouldn't mind taking her measurements so she can work on staying fit. Then she challenged all the rest of us to do the same. We're having a contest. Whoever has the smallest body fat content by April at our conference on school health wins a cash prize. It's very exciting. Since I'm already doing all of this anyway I might as well make some money. :)

Then to The Box for The Show. It's our weekly improv show. Every Friday and Saturday at 9:00 pm. So funny. We had a sold out crowd that was pretty awesome.

Food today: Yogurt, Applesauce, Clif Bar, assorted teas and tea food at the tea room, and then my chicken, calabacitas and sweet potato for dinner. I also drank at least 6 glasses of water.

All in all it was a good day. I think I'm getting to take tomorrow off from the workouts and it is my cheat day so I can play a little bit with my food. I promise not to ruin my whole week in one day.

Have a fantastic Saturday dear readers.

All my love,
Kristin

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Four Days In

Well, four days to check off the calendar. Many more to go. I'm still feeling good and excited. Definitely no where as near overwhelmed as I was a few days ago.

This morning I went to pump and CX at eVolv with instructor Chris. She is pretty awesome. This class lasted about an hour and half... Pump is "full-body muscle conditioning using a barbell and plates" while CX Worx is "core-focused exercises for strength and stabilization." It was a long class. I was a little worried when we got started, wasn't sure if I would make it through the whole class. But Chris talked me through all the weight plate changes and I felt good. I took breaks when I needed them, shook things out, stretched a little bit and then got back into the swing of things. Someone also recognized me from my blog! That is the wackiest thing. It's pretty cool, but still odd to have people I don't know tell me that they've read my blog.

I ate almost all my food today too. I think I just have yogurt that I didn't get to this morning. Everything was good. My veggies in my dinner were a little soggy, but the pork and rice were delish. My turkey burger at lunch was good too.

Jenny had me pick up some Mio Liquid Water Enhancers and I've got to say that they have totally saved drinking water for me. I'm seriously pushing them. Good, and you can change up your flavor with each glass. I recommend them. And now they also have energy versions so you can save your calories from the energy drinks and still get hydrated.

Well, that's all for today. I'll be at Cardiobox at 9:30 am with CJ at eVolv if you'd like to join me!

All my love,
Kristin

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Normal

Today felt much more normal. I think I ate almost all of my food. My first dinner was delicious. My legs and arms were finally sore from my Monday workout. Tomorrow I head back to eVolv to start my new schedule. Good night for now.

All my love,
Kristin

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Entree Attachment

Today, was not an easy day. I was lucky because Wilton gave me a pass on working out so that I could go cook food with Jenny. It was going to be my first day going totally drive thru free. I think it's safe to say that anyone that knows me knows that I eat out for pretty much every meal. Cooking has never been something I've  been good at and the thought of having to prepare all of my meals and snacks was a little scary. So was the thought of having to eat 5 times a day.

This morning I was supposed to eat oatmeal, yogurt, and an apple.
Apple not pictured as I had already eaten it's apple-y goodness.

\I made it through the apple and the yogurt before I felt myself being pretty full. Hey, I'd eaten pretty late the night before, so I saved my oatmeal for another morning.

Next I was supposed to eat a snack of carrots and peanut butter. Still wasn't hungry at all. I know that in order to kickstart my metabolism I'm going to have to eat more often, but I just wasn't hungry.

Lunch time comes up and I've got my turkey burger ready to go. Just need to heat it up in the microwave. In a hilarious (yet frightening moment) I put the burger in for too long and it shrinks into the smallest, hardest round most inedible thing I've ever seen. Luckily I work with Jenny and take her what was formerly my lunch and show her I now have no protein for lunch. She of course saves the day with some tuna she has in her lunch. With some whole wheat bread secured from Hello, Deli around the corner I've got a delish sandwich on my hands.

Tuna, string cheese, whole wheat bread, and steamed veggies.

As we get closer to five I can't imagine eating more food. I can tell my stomach is mad at me for making it process the food. It's been so used to eating food that has been pre-processed it doesn't know what to do with all the fiber I've been consuming in one day.

Overall, I'm feeling yucky and tired and even more overwhelmed than I had been before. I go into Jenny's office to discuss what time we're meeting for cooking lessons and I just start to cry. I sincerely was trying so hard to not have a breakdown this early on in the game, but I think with trying to change my diet and change apartments and everything else just kind of hit me all in one moment. Plus, with the earlier turkey burger fiasco, who wouldn't shed a tear? Jenny and I talked and I ended up feeling better, but still scared about working all of these things into my life. How in the world were we going to cook dinners for me for a whole week?

Well, let me just say it was actually pretty easy. I would definitely recommend finding someone else who already does it to help you with your first cooking. It was so helpful, especially for a novice like me. And it was a bonus that Jenny and Brian (her wonderful husband) cooked us dinner while all of my dinners were cooking.

Half of my yummy Quinoa Pasta Primavera.

After getting everything packaged and bagged it felt so much more manageable. I felt like I had some control over something again. It was ready and all I have to do now is pop my food in the microwave for 30 seconds. That is way faster than any old drive thru. I'm feeling so much better than I did this morning. I'm hopeful of everything else that is to come. Following are pictures of me cooking and all my dinners lined up for the week.

All my love,
Kristin










Monday, January 2, 2012

Day One Done.

Well, day one is complete and I made it.

Here's the rundown.
Lunch from Subway, 6 inch wheat, Turkey w/Cheese, lettuce cucumbers, ranch dressing, salt and pepper.
Went to work.
Ate a Clif bar
Went to Pure Muscle class.
I got introduced to that class today. It was a dumbell and stretch band class. It was hard, but I made it through the whole hour. It was filmed, so I'm sure at some point we'll see some cuts from that where I'm sure I look lovely. ;) All my muscles got tired pretty quickly, but I did what I could. Wilton would come by from time to time to correct my technique. That was helpful. it was frustrating because there was some stuff that I just felt like my body wouldn't let me do... I know eventually it will and I know that there was some stuff that I used to be able to do.  Got positive feedback from my classmates so that was cool. Some people already knew who I was from previous posts. That was cool.

After class I was feeling tired, but pretty good. We weren't done yet though. I had to meet Jenny at my parent's grocery store (they own Fair n' Square Food Store) to go healthy food shopping.  Super educational reading the labels and what not. A little overwhelming too. I hopefully will remember most of what Jenny said tonight. We got A LOT of food. Jenny also invited me over to her house tomorrow so we can prepare food for the rest of the week and she can show me how to make things since I can't cook (yet) to save my life.

Here's what I made tonight
It doesn't look like much, at least to me, but what do I know... It's a turkey burger with cucumbers and kidney beans. The turkey burger with the kidney bean juice made it taste pretty good. I microwaved the patty this time, but I think I might try to pan cook it in the future... there weren't any microwave instructions on the box.

Driving home from the store I was feeling slightly overwhelmed. I KNOW that I have to make this stuff all work into my schedule. It's so important. But it feels slightly impossible right now. I'm going to do my best. Give it the old college try.

Tomorrow's another day. I'm looking forward to what it brings. Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement. It really means so much to me.

All my love,
Kristin

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Resolve

So, here we are, January 1st. That time when we all make promises to ourselves to make things different. To be better than we already are. To make that one change that will make all the difference in the world. I've broken so many promises to myself, that it breaks my heart thinking about it. Out of all the people we keep promises to you think the ones we make to ourselves would be the most important. The ones we would fight tooth and nail not to break. But yet here we are making the same promises to ourselves yet again.


I look back on my pledge to myself from last December 2010, and I still want all those things. As a recap:
1.Follow a schedule to balance my time.
2. Weigh 198 lbs by December 8th, 2011.
3. To eat at home more often.
4. To keep this website and blog updated.
5. To make a viable income.
6. To make time for friends and have at least one event in my home.
7. To take a results photo every 2 months.
8. To complete non-profit paperwork for Cardboard Playhouse Productions.
9. Get the theatre's financials in order.
10. Do more pre-production for shows.
11. Organize my home and get rid of excess.
12. Follow a personal budget.
13. Get some exercise at least 4 days a week.
14. Act in a play.
15. Enjoy life.
16. Cherish time.
17. Love others.
18. Adore myself.



Out of all of these things, I finished #8, but am now playing the waiting game with the state and the IRS in order to move forward and actually be a non-profit.


Looking back at this past year I had plenty of opportunities to make these things happen, but I continually let things get in between me and my goals. I gave myself excuses to get out of taking care of myself, my health, my finances, my business, and actually taking charge of my life. I was comfortable with just letting things happen to me instead of making things happen.


This whole past year though the universe has been trying to tell me something. Back in February my purse was stolen out of my car in front of Planet Fitness. I had to replace everything. New drivers license, bank account, new window. While the working out was good for me, casually leaving my purse in my car was not. Universe sent someone to partake of my lackadaisical attitude. Change.


Then my Infiniti I-30 that I loved decided to blow smoke out the tail pipe. Took it to the shop, the repairs would cost more than the car. Was going to have to get a new vehicle. Change.


After our summer camps were over I realized I didn't want to go back to the charter school I had done after care at the year prior. There was a lot of bureaucracy, and I didn't feel I was doing my best work there. Time to go back to a day job. I just happened to think of the event management firm I used to work at, looked up their website and saw that they were hiring. Sent the HR person an email and lo and behold I was able to go back for work for them. Not only that, but they were near my Planet Fitness. Change.


Also back at work at this event management firm was my friend Jenny. Mentioned in an earlier post, Jenny and I had always talked casually about me hiring her to be my personal trainer, something else that she does. She asked me to write down what I wanted. I think about a month and a half passed before I finally made the time and got the nerve to send her my goals. A few days later she called me into her office to tell me the good news. Wilton was offering to change my life. Change.


Finally, the Silver Gardens Apartments finally opened the second half of their new complex and I applied and visited their managers like crazy to check on my application. Finally, on Friday December 30th, I got the call that I was approved and could start moving in. Change.


I get it Universe. You want me to change. Everything has brought about an amazing result. I am in the right place at the right time right now. I'm getting an amazing opportunity to improve my life even more and (hopefully) in turn inspire others to make positive steps towards changing their own lives. 


I believe I've mentioned in blogs past that I've felt very closed off from others, not willing to share things about myself or my life and now here I am getting ready to open myself up and be more vulnerable than ever before. I'd be lying if I didn't say I wasn't a little scared and very nervous.


But I know moving forward I'm going to be working very hard. Harder than I've ever worked before. Having to give up some things I love for someone that I should love more than those things, myself. My retooled goals for now are these:
To be healthy
To be organized
To be more financially stable
To be in a play
Audition for a movie
subcategories of this: get headshots done, get an agent
To be more active at The Box/take more ownership

And a little more surface
be able to shop in regular clothing stores
Being a size 12 would be awesome
be more comfortable in movie theatre seats/booths at restaurants

I know that they aren't as specific as they should be. I need to work on that. Specific goals. I'm putting my sights on Drew Barrymore's look and going for that. She and I are the same height, and she still has some bosoms, so I think it's possible. Maybe not in a year, but maybe in two.

In a year, I see myself saving money by making my own food, eating at home. Inviting people over to watch movies or eat dinner. Being proactive and taking charge at the theatre. Having energy to really play with the kids at the theatre. Going on auditions for plays and movies. Chatting on the phone with my agent about new headshots and my resume. All my bills being paid on time and getting my debt all paid off. Being able to sit in a chair and know that their is room between me and the armrests. Slide into a booth and know that their is room between me and the table. Going into a regular clothing store and being able to buy the latest trends and look GOOD in them. To be organized enough to take some time off and enjoy a vacation or time off with those that I love. Most importantly, being able to look in the mirror at the end of the day and know that I did everything that I could and I'm worth taking the time to take care of myself.

I know this blog is long. Thanks for reading all of it and making it to the end. I hope your resolutions are finding you well and that your heart is mended in 2012 like mine is.

All my love,
Kristin