The countdown begins. 80 days until I turn 30 years old. The BIG 3-0. I know that in the grand scheme of things, 30 is nothing. It's a little in a whole world of big. But, partly because I think I'm supposed to, I'm freaking out.
Thirty is the age when you are supposed to be accomplished. Have made some adult movement in your life. Heading towards the life you've always dreamed of. In so many ways, I'm way ahead of the curve on this one. I started my own business with the help of my best friend at the age of 26. I get to make an impact on kids just about every day.
But, there is still this huge part of me who still feels like a lost 16 year old, trying to figure out how to make my way in the world. I always wonder, does that ever go away? Will I ever feel like a strong confident grown-up? And that's when the number 30 rears its ugly head again and says, "Uh, yeah by 30 you should be feeling grown up."
Now, I know that losing the weight is not going to solve my confidence issues overnight. I know there are a lot of other things that go into me being scared to do things. But I know that losing the weight will help. I won't constantly be wondering if people are judging me for what I'm wearing, eating, moving, doing, sitting because of how big I am. Losing the weight will make other things easier too like having energy to do warm up games with the kids, tying my shoes, yoga, fastening a seatbelt, sitting and standing for long periods of time, buying clothing. And being able to tie my shoes without feeling a little winded will definitely be a HUGE confidence boost for me. These things, that are simple and easy for others, are embarrassing to me that I can't do them with grace or ease. You should have no trouble tying your shoes at 30... 50 maybe, but that's because your getting older.
It's looking at 30 that makes you realize that yes, after this, things are not going to get easier, they are going to get harder so you need to have all the basics in place so that when things do get harder, you are ready for them. Your responsibilities become more the older you get, house, mortgage, children, car, insurance, retirement, planning how to still take care of those you love even after you are gone, they are all there staring the 30 year old in the face saying, "It's coming, and you're not ready. You've been spending all of your time and money on silly futile things. I hope you had fun."
And I have had fun, and I still plan on having fun. I think I'll have a lot more fun once I get my life in order and I won't be worrying so much about every little thing. Out of the things I've pledged to myself I haven't really followed through on a lot of it. I need to get a move on. I know all of it doesn't need to be done in the next 80 days, but I have to stop slacking so I won't keep writing this blog. I need to stop putting myself off.
All my love to you, those staring 30 in the face, those that see it coming and can laugh it off for a while longer, and especially to those who have made it through and have lived to tell the tale.
All my best,
KB
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Finding My Tribe
So I was supposed to definitely do an update on February 8th, but when I checked the scale it said I hadn't lost any weight so I wasn't sure if a picture and blog was in order. I don't know if I'm going to make my goal of 88 pounds by December. It seems highly unlikely at this point. I am still going to the gym though! Tech week totally screwed me up and then my whole cast including me got sick which also screwed things up. Oh, AND my purse got stolen from the gym parking lot. Dumb me left it in the car under my coat and they stole it by breaking my window out on the coldest night of the year. Bummer. I'm taking having to replace all my stuff as a sign from the universe that its time to start over and really take charge of everything. Also, to not leave my purse in the car anymore.
I watched this really interesting video from the Ted Talks by Seth Godin about The Tribes We Lead. Here it is embedded here:
In it he talks about people who find each other based on common interests. Now, I know I've got lots of tribes in my life, my Box Kids and Parents Tribe, my Family, and I think other subTribes with in that tribe. But I feel like I've lost my main tribe, the tribe that I can talk to for long hours about theatre, music, books. For me, since college, I've been somewhat lost. Most of my close friends moved on to graduate school or moved to larger cities while I stayed here in Albuquerque and started The Box. And for some reason or another I decided to close myself off to new people. I've always been a bit of a loner, but in recent years I've felt more lonely than anything. Relationships that I once held dear are no longer here, and I often wonder if those relationships that I thought were really close were real at all. Was I kidding myself into thinking that we had a special bond? I've been trying to figure out how to open myself up to others, try to find my tribe again, but telling all the old stories you have to tell in order to feel intimate with someone new... I just don't feel like I have the energy for all that. Reconnecting with old friends seems even harder because it feels like everyone else has moved on, has new close friends and I have just stayed where I am.
I think getting back to my acting roots might help. In our small theatre community in ABQ, people get offered parts in things very often and because I haven't acted in a million years I am always overlooked. I've been thinking about seeing if I can join the Tricklock Incubator at UNM. It would get me thinking about myself creatively again, thinking about making big choices and would allow me to talk about process and things which I seem to be craving. It would also be different than anything I've done before.
I've always felt, and I know I've expressed this to you other ENMUers, that when we were together in Portales there wasn't anything we couldn't do. I miss having that feeling. That feeling of everyone else knowing what you were talking about. Having the same skill set of tools as the person next to you. Of knowing that the people you were working with were just as talented if not more so than yourself. There was some magic that happened with us and I just feel I need to find it again.
This blog has been a long time coming and I feel I may have left some things out as I've been writing this over a few weeks.I hope it makes sense and isn't totally jumbled.
All my best,
KB
I watched this really interesting video from the Ted Talks by Seth Godin about The Tribes We Lead. Here it is embedded here:
In it he talks about people who find each other based on common interests. Now, I know I've got lots of tribes in my life, my Box Kids and Parents Tribe, my Family, and I think other subTribes with in that tribe. But I feel like I've lost my main tribe, the tribe that I can talk to for long hours about theatre, music, books. For me, since college, I've been somewhat lost. Most of my close friends moved on to graduate school or moved to larger cities while I stayed here in Albuquerque and started The Box. And for some reason or another I decided to close myself off to new people. I've always been a bit of a loner, but in recent years I've felt more lonely than anything. Relationships that I once held dear are no longer here, and I often wonder if those relationships that I thought were really close were real at all. Was I kidding myself into thinking that we had a special bond? I've been trying to figure out how to open myself up to others, try to find my tribe again, but telling all the old stories you have to tell in order to feel intimate with someone new... I just don't feel like I have the energy for all that. Reconnecting with old friends seems even harder because it feels like everyone else has moved on, has new close friends and I have just stayed where I am.
I think getting back to my acting roots might help. In our small theatre community in ABQ, people get offered parts in things very often and because I haven't acted in a million years I am always overlooked. I've been thinking about seeing if I can join the Tricklock Incubator at UNM. It would get me thinking about myself creatively again, thinking about making big choices and would allow me to talk about process and things which I seem to be craving. It would also be different than anything I've done before.
I've always felt, and I know I've expressed this to you other ENMUers, that when we were together in Portales there wasn't anything we couldn't do. I miss having that feeling. That feeling of everyone else knowing what you were talking about. Having the same skill set of tools as the person next to you. Of knowing that the people you were working with were just as talented if not more so than yourself. There was some magic that happened with us and I just feel I need to find it again.
This blog has been a long time coming and I feel I may have left some things out as I've been writing this over a few weeks.I hope it makes sense and isn't totally jumbled.
All my best,
KB
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