I owe you all a multitude of blogs and an apology. I haven't been sticking to this process at all for the last few weeks. I have fallen off the wagon.
In short, I've been tremendously overwhelmed. I hurt my knee again. My allergies turned into a sinus infection. Rehearsals for our latest show were not going well. I never felt like I had enough time at work to get things done. I was missing workouts because of my knee and being sick and not getting enough sleep. My diet has gone to hell. Looking around my new apartment I realized I've fallen back into a lot of my old habits. And in a lot of areas in my life I just shut down.
Some of it is comforting. It's good to feel not like the fish out of water all the time. The comfort in knowing that the food I ordered across the street is going to be cooked all the way and not seasoned badly like the food I made earlier in the week.
Most of it though is depressing. It's "shame spiral." I feel bad that I didn't work out, so that makes me sad so I eat something bad that makes me feel better for a little while, until I realize that I ate that thing out of emotion, and then try to correct it by eating something that really doesn't taste that good to me and then getting stressed out by all of it and then eating half a piece of cake from Flying Star. (The one change is that I didn't eat a whole piece of cake like I used to.)
I realize that I'm off track, but I days that I'm feeling really stressed, like when we are in tech week, I just want to say to hell with it all. F it. I need to figure out how to manage my time and my stress better. I just look at everything that needs to get done in my life and the amount of time I have to get it done in and I freak out and in some cases, like recently, I just shut down and don't do anything. I sink into rounds of "Words with Friends" and watching episode after episode of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" on my instant view netflix. I realize that I'm escaping. Running away from the actual problems in my life to either solve a simple one like putting a word down a a virtual board or watching 5 gay guys solve some problems in a straight guys life. It's at this moment that I realize that I need them to ring my doorbell, tear apart my apartment and buy me a whole new wardrobe...
Only, I've gotten the offer to rearrange my whole life and I've just thrown it away these last few weeks. Letting my sickness and stress and injured knee be the excuse for why I can't take better care of myself.
I know that I'm a good person. That I'm caring and I give a lot to my community and the people around me. But taking the time to go to the grocery store to buy food so I can have lunch dinner and breakfast for the week feels like just one more thing I have to deal with. One more thing on my already crazy schedule. One more time that I feel like I should be doing something for the theatre or for my friends or for my family instead of buying food.
It really has felt like my life has been falling apart these last few weeks. Then it's moments like opening our show, Alice in Wonderland Jr. to 3 crowds of over 150 people at the South Broadway Cultural Center and seeing these kids feel comfortable in front of all those people. Of knowing that I've got to do a curtain speech and be confident in selling my 501(c)3 non profit to a number of people that I don't know. Of watching a girl about 11 years old calm down a 6 year old girl who has lost her shoes right before a dress rehearsal. Those moments are magic and are the reminders of why I started this journey in the first place.
I don't know if I've done too much damage in the last few weeks. I hope that I have disappointed my trainers, my friends or my readers. I'm still trying to retrain my life. It's so much harder than it looks on tv makeover shows. It's hard to keep up when left to your own devices.
The one thing that has been great about not working out so my knee will get better is that I actually miss the gym. I miss my classes and I miss Wilton, CJ, Rachel, Katie, and Jennifer. I miss their dedication and sincerity that they give every day to the people in their classes and the pushes that they are giving me.
I do plan on making it to Shock in the morning, however I don't know how much of the class I can make it through. My knee is feeling better, but I was on it a LOT this weekend running the curtains backstage for Alice in Wonderland. I still didn't make it to the grocery store to buy food for this week, but I think I'll be able to go shopping either tonight or tomorrow. I'm trying my best to make a plan and stick to it.
I'm doing my best to try to live by 3 affirmations right now.
1. I feel radiant and full of energy.
2. My mind embraces financial prosperity.
3. I am fit, healthy and attractive.
Intention is important and I'm shifting my priorities back to the right places and turning my life back on again.
All my love,
Kristin
1 comment:
I can sooooo relate to you right now. I, too, am overweight and the stresses in my life are overwhelming and I deal with those by eating which only complicates matters. I tell you this so you know you aren't alone. You've come a long way and I have faith you can go the distance!
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