There has been much thinking going on in my head lately. Thinking a lot about how to be true to myself and to others and this project.
I've been stuck in the same 4 pound rotation since March of this year. That is frustrating to say the least. I also can say that I have not stuck to my "diet." I've missed a lot of workouts. Some because I was injured. Some because I was busy. Some because I slept through them. Some because I just plain didn't want to go.
It's hard to be accountable to so many people. I just wanted to hide. I wanted to rebel. I want to do things for me, because I want to do them, not because I was told I had to. I know I sound like a pouty 4 year old girl.... and that's okay, because that's how I feel.
I've recently come across a lot of websites and blogs about the "Healthy at Any Size" movement. Dances With Fat is a blogger who is an amazing dancer, and is heavy, and is seeking acceptance for her size. She talks about how doctors telling us to lose weight to be healthy can be a myth. There are plenty of people who are slim who have heart attacks, and cancer and other issues with their health. I would say just as many as their are overweight people with the same problems. When I had my blood tested recently, everything came back in the "normal" range, with the exception of my cholesterol. It was only up a few points. I'm sure now if I were to check it out it would come back as normal. So, if you were to just look at my blood work, and not my weight, you would say, this person is healthy. Just looking at me though, no numbers. Most people would just assume that I'm not healthy. While I don't agree with everything "danceswithfat" says in her blog, I find a lot of what she has to say interesting.
One of my goals from before, and now, is to Be Kristin. To be true to me. As much as I always wanted to learn how to play the guitar, I even bought one, I realized that I will never actually learn how to play the guitar. If it was REALLY important to me I would make it happen. And here I am, missing workouts, not following my eating plan.... and wondering, "Is this weight loss really important to me? Wouldn't I be making it happen if it was?" I don't know the answer to these questions yet. Am I being true to myself with my goals? Do I really care if I can run or jog a mile without stopping? Honestly, not really. Would it be cool if I could do that? Sure. Through this journey I have already discovered the amazing things my body and my mind can do. I can flip a tire. I can climb up and down a ditch ravine. I can do lots of kettlebell exercises and throw lots of punches and kicks in my cardio classes. I can do a downward dog in 105 degree heat with 60% humidity. I can do all of those things at the weight I am now. What is amazing and exciting is the things I could do weighing less.
Yet for some reason I'm having trouble committing to everything. To making a plan and sticking to it. One of the things that "danceswithfat" has said in her blog that had really resounded with me is, "Have you ever had something that you hated: a purse, some shoes, a knick-knack that was a gift from someone? Did you take good care if it? Were you inspired to dust it and polish it and keep it beautiful. Me neither."
I feel like that's me with my body. I'm not inspired to take care of it. I'm slowly finding the value in the things it can do, but I don't love it, like I love my necklace with all the metal feathers on it. I make sure it goes in a safe place every night when I take it off so I know where to find it the next day. I have trouble appreciating the things I can do, and knowing that if I take care of myself, I can do even more. I have to accept myself as I am now, so I can take care of myself now, so I can become the person who I want to be. That person is already inside me, but I need her to come out.
Spoke with Wilton tonight on the phone. I know that I'm winging a lot of what I'm doing right now, but I do have to say that when I was following the eating plan, I was pretty miserable. I don't know if I'm a good planner. I don't know if I'm someone who will ever look at food as just fuel for my system. I do relate a lot of things back to food. Joy, celebration, spending time with those that you love. I also know that I can emotionally eat too. I can feel upset and alone, or frustrated or angry, and not knowing how to explain how I'm feeling, or not being able to express myself because of so many things I instead eat a candy bar, or grab a soda. That problem in the moment, momentarily solved.
I feel like I wasn't totally heard tonight. I want to figure out how to love who I am and the shape I am now. I am emotionally struggling with how I feel about everything. I truly do feel that no one should hate their body, yet I do. I truly feel that we should love people for who they are, and not what they look like, but I have been known to judge a person on occasion for what they are wearing or how they look. I feel like I'm torn between my ideals and how I really am. I know that I want to change things in my life, but are they for the right reasons? Some of them seem so shallow and stupid.
I've always been someone who people have described as smart. Gifted program in school. Scored well on tests. Pretty great grade point average. Started a theatre. None of these achievements have ever come from something that I have physically done. And maybe that is where my value system is skewed or needs to be retooled. It's never been important to me to run faster than someone else, or do more chin ups, or worked out for hours on end. When I was going to Planet Fitness to work out before, I always felt like my workouts were such a waste of time. Sure I lost some weight, but I could have been writing a play, or putting together a project, or writing an email... my brain was bummed it wasn't being used.
I feel like I'm meandering now in this blog. I'm trying to figure stuff out. I want to stay true to myself, but also really go after those things that are important in my life. So, how do I make those things that aren't normal in my life, like following a plan, going grocery shopping, going to bed early, going to workouts every day, being organized etc. become Kristin? That's what I'm trying to figure out. I've done all of these things for more than 30 days. They aren't habits yet. What do I do now?
Lots of questions, no real answers or solutions. I guess that's all for tonight.
All the love,
Kristin
3 comments:
Hey Kristin, thanks so much for sharing all the goings on with your journey. I was actually checking your blog a couple days ago to catch up with you to see how you were doing. I've actually read a lot about the HaAS movement and had read an article mentioning that blogger before. Whatever you decide to do, just know we're all here for you no matter what. Love ya!
Kristin,
You're hitting to the core of what this is all about. Weight loss works when you're working it for the right reason. When its not about arbitrary numbers on the scale and more about gauging your feelings and making yourself a priority. I've seen my mom struggle with weight all her life because of this reason. It's hard to say to yourself, and the world, this is who I am, I'm proud of me and I'm commited and focused on improving myself. It takes a lot of time, confidence, courage and work. And sometimes who you ARE comes out easily, I'm sure for you its through theater, but just think, what if you could embrace yourself and love yourself so much, that everything you do makes you feel as good as you do while working on a theater project? That's life! It's there inside, you just have to remind yourself and fake it til it comes out.
Take care Kristin!
Tabatha
Hey girl,
It is good to be puzzling through these issues. That level of self inquiry is what makes changes stick and makes you more aware of the reasons behind your actions (or inactions). Speaking from personal experience, I spent a few years wanting to lose weight and sort of trying and having this same thought that if I really wanted it, I would have done it. But here's what I found for me: I wasn't changing not because I didnt want to, but because I was super scared. Who was I if I wasn't at this size? Does this mean I can never enjoy eating again? Lame! And it gets you stuck in that inertia. Only once I was able to see that was I able to make real progress. And heres what I have discovered about eating: a diet can't make you miserable. If it does, it's not right for you. Like south beach for me is the worst! Couldn't stick with it if I was paid to! But weight watchers worked for me. Try not to think of foods as off limits for forever, but as special treats to be savored. For me, it isn't and wasn't about being a certain size but beig able to be the performer and the creative person I wanted to be and not being physically inhibited or uncomfortable on stage. Stick with it. No matter what size, exercise and balanced eating are crucial for everyone. Xoxoxox
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