I've been feeling a little lost lately. I'm not sure where I am in this journey. If the things that I'm doing are right for me. Following all this strict scheduling and eating plans doesn't feel like me. It doesn't feel normal. It makes me feel out of sorts.
I know that I have to change my schedule and the way I eat. It's what got me to this place in the first place. But it is exhausting upheaving your whole life.
I'm so good at convincing myself that it's okay for me to "take a break" from things. I haven't been to the gym since Wednesday. I've just been so tired and a little sad about a whole lot of different things. Overslept through my Body Pump Class. Didn't make time on Friday to walk on the treadmill. Didn't make time on Saturday either. Today came for me to wake up and go to my Hot Yoga class and I couldn't do it. My brain kept talking my body into staying in bed. Closing my eyes for a little bit longer. Finally got up at 12:00 pm today and ate some cereal.
Tomorrow is a new day and I'm looking forward to going to Shock class. I know Wilton wants me to take Mondays off from the gym, but I need to go. I think left to my own devices it's too easy for me to say, "Oh, I can walk on the treadmill later," or "I'm so tired. They'll understand if I don't do it."
I know that I need to make all this stuff work for myself. That eventually it will feel normal to make all my meals on Sunday evenings and eat the same things all week. Right now it doesn't, and it can be hard and frustrating to see those around me enjoying all different kinds of foods. I try not to let it bother me. To know that I'm doing this for me and that I'm worth taking better care of. It just doesn't seem normal yet. I might just be too lazy of a person. Or I let myself feel overwhelmed very easily. Everything feels like it's too much so I just don't do anything.
I know I have to do it. I can't waste this gift that I've been given. There are so many other people who would love to be in the situation I am in. I hope that I am still inspiring others out there. I hope that my motivation will kick itself back into high gear soon. I really hope that I haven't let anybody down. It's one of my biggest (and most silly) fears. I know people are proud of me and that they are rooting for me. It's amazing having the support system that I do, but knowing in my heart that there are days that I'm not doing my best. That's when I feel I've let people down. They don't even know that I've let them down.
Anyway, someone somewhere is playing a tiny violin for me as I'm being sad for myself. There a good things to be headed my way. I will get back on the wagon this week. I will do my best at my workouts and with my eating schedule. I will find my way back to the path on this journey. Please stay with me. We've almost got two months down. 10 more to go!!!
Thank you for reading.
All the love,
Kristin
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