Put Your Hands Up

I will dance this dance someday. It will be awesome and amazing.

 Great talk with Wilton tonight and more good news. I'll talk more about it when it's all fully actualized. Shall be awesome.

Kind of did a burpee today. Lost sight for a second of my progress I've made so far because it was hard, but I can do it. Feeling your potential can be a weird thing, but it's pushing me to do better every day.

All the love,
Kristin

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Baggy

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So, I need new pants for work. They are all too big and slippy slidy. I'm in danger of flashing people my underwear. While the prospect of that is embarrassing, I'm so super excited that my pants no longer fit. Also, I'm probably in need of a bra fitting. It's all starting to happen.

Had a good workout today in Shock. I weighed in after class and the scale moved 4 pounds to 265.9. So, I broke 270 which is a great feeling too. I feel like I've moved past this slump and plateau and I'm moving on to something better. I know others will come, but if I can keep my head up I'll break through them.

PAINE tomorrow. I'll try to get in more mountain climbers. Try to push a little bit harder than the safe things I know I can do.

I'm making plans with some dear friends of mine to get together on a Sunday and talk about the possibilities of us working creatively together. Maybe make some movies or something. It'll be good just to hang out with some friends and talk about doing something for the future.

I'm in an upswing and things are looking good.

All the love,
Kristin

Lost and Found

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I've been feeling a little lost lately. I'm not sure where I am in this journey. If the things that I'm doing are right for me. Following all this strict scheduling and eating plans doesn't feel like me. It doesn't feel normal. It makes me feel out of sorts.

I know that I have to change my schedule and the way I eat. It's what got me to this place in the first place. But it is exhausting upheaving your whole life.

I'm so good at convincing myself that it's okay for me to "take a break" from things. I haven't been to the gym since Wednesday. I've just been so tired and a little sad about a whole lot of different things. Overslept through my Body Pump Class. Didn't make time on Friday to walk on the treadmill. Didn't make time on Saturday either. Today came for me to wake up and go to my Hot Yoga class and I couldn't do it. My brain kept talking my body into staying in bed. Closing my eyes for a little bit longer. Finally got up at 12:00 pm today and ate some cereal.

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm looking forward to going to Shock class. I know Wilton wants me to take Mondays off from the gym, but I need to go. I think left to my own devices it's too easy for me to say, "Oh, I can walk on the treadmill later," or "I'm so tired. They'll understand if I don't do it."

I know that I need to make all this stuff work for myself. That eventually it will feel normal to make all my meals on Sunday evenings and eat the same things all week. Right now it doesn't, and it can be hard and frustrating to see those around me enjoying all different kinds of foods. I try not to let it bother me. To know that I'm doing this for me and that I'm worth taking better care of. It just doesn't seem normal yet. I might just be too lazy of a person. Or I let myself feel overwhelmed very easily. Everything feels like it's too much so I just don't do anything.

I know I have to do it. I can't waste this gift that I've been given. There are so many other people who would love to be in the situation I am in. I hope that I am still inspiring others out there. I hope that my motivation will kick itself back into high gear soon. I really hope that I haven't  let anybody down. It's one of my biggest (and most silly) fears. I know people are proud of me and that they are rooting for me.  It's amazing having the support system that I do, but knowing in my heart that there are days that I'm not doing my best. That's when I feel I've let people down. They don't even know that I've let them down.

Anyway, someone somewhere is playing a tiny violin for me as I'm being sad for myself. There a good things to be headed my way. I will get back on the wagon this week. I will do my best at my workouts and with my eating schedule. I will find my way back to the path on this journey. Please stay with me. We've almost got two months down. 10 more to go!!!

Thank you for reading.

All the love,
Kristin

Plateau

The scale hadn't budged in a week... in my head I was thinking, "Why is that same number staring back up at me? Sure the week of Valentine's had been a tough one with me feeling lonely and then eating half of a McDonald's Hot Fudge Sundae. Sure I had been around candy and chocolate all week because of Willy Wonka Kids. Sure I may have celebrated our completely sold our run a little too much.... but the same number? Come on!"

I will be the first one to say that perhaps I wasn't following my diet exactly last week, but I went to all of my workouts and it was only one day out of 7 that I went over my calorie level. I was definitely freaking out this morning. I texted Jenny. She said to not freak out ant that plateaus happen all the time.

Plateau? But I just started doing this. Already a plateau? She said that my body is probably just used to my diet and my workout routine now and it's time to change it up. Shock the body again.

So I guess I will be having a new diet soon and Wilton is changing up my workout schedule. I guess its time. I was just getting used to the routine myself and now it's all going to change. It's for the best.

Had PAINE with Wilton today and I felt like I could actually do some mountain climbers today. I still suck at push ups though. It'll get there someday.

I do finally feel some improvements though. Things are changing and I do feel stronger. It is hard though when people ask me how much I've lost and I say 18 pounds and then they ask me if I feel different and I have to say no. I still feel pretty much the same. The clothes fit a little better, but haven't really gone down in size. I think the real part of it is that I've been this size before as an adult. I've felt this way before. Putting on my shoes in the morning is easier than it used to be, but it's still hard. Something that is supposed to be a level 1 modification in class that is supposed to be the easy version is still extremely hard for me. Sometimes I feel like my body physically won't let me do it. A lot of the time it's the weight that is in my belly that just gets in the way of bringing things in close or bending over in a forward fold to bring my chin to my knees. And it can be very frustrating to look around the room in those moments and see most of the people doing level 3 (aka really crazy intense version of level 1). Today though I was lucky to be next to this girl in class who was in pretty good shape yelling for Wilton to show us the modification to some of the hard stuff. I appreciate knowing that it's hard even for the in shape girls sometimes. I think when I finally hit a weight/size I've never been as an adult it will feel different. I will feel a little different.

Oh, I keep calling my awesome yoga teacher by the wrong name!!!! Her name is Jennifer, not Rebecca, although Rebecca is one of the yoga teachers. Just not the one that teaches my class on Sundays. Jennifer, I'm sorry! You rock and I'm so happy to be in your class every Sunday. Getting the chance to scream that frustration out is great in all that heat and I'm super serious. Gets all the toxins out.

We've started rehearsals for Alice in Wonderland Jr. already. It's going to be a great show. And this time we are thinking outside of "The Box" and performing at the South Broadway Cultural Center. So excited! Looking forward to seeing you all there at the end of March!

Also, my doctor finally got the results of my Thyroid Uptake Scan. The radiologist wrote in his report that my thyroid was normal, However one of the nodules had slightly more than normal uptake. My doctor was confused by this and wants to get me more information so he's sending me to an endocrinologist. The bummer part is I don't get to go until April 30th! I know it's not a whole lot to worry about, but I've always felt that there has been something wrong or wonky or off about my thyroid and I'm happy that this doctor wants to look more into it. Finally!

I think that's all for tonight.

All the love,
Kristin

Closure

Great workout this morning.

Good meeting with CJ. Didn't cry this time. Felt like some progress is being made.

Great performance at The Box from a very dear friend.

A short conversation that I've been longing to have that let me finally feel a little more at peace about a friendship.

Sleep sweet.

All the love,
Kristin

MIA

And, no, I don't mean the singer. I do mean missing in action. Time to catch everybody up!

When tech week happens I tend to disappear from everybody except the theatre. Luckily I have an extremely understanding trainer who felt that my getting some much needed sleep after my repeated nights of 2:00 am bed times was more important than going to the gym. I was exhausted and was a tired, teary mess. Tech week everything is at its most overwhelming and there is no time to waste time on something that isn't going to work.

 Willy Wonka Kids opened to a whole SOLD OUT weekend. In fact, the whole run is now sold out. For the first time in Box/Cardboard Playhouse Theatre Company History every single ticket for our run has been purchased. An amazing feeling. The show is amazingly adorable. 30 kids (the most in CPTC history) take the stage ranging in ages 7-16. Super fun, and the music is super catchy.

 On top of that awesomeness, our determination letter from the IRS came in and Cardboard Playhouse Theatre Company has been approved as a non-profit! We can now apply for grants, accept donations, and offer deductions to people who donate to us. It changes the big picture for us and I can't help but to feel relieved and thankful for that amazing opportunity to take our theatre company to the next level. Hopefully, with help from others, we will soon be able to draw salaries for all the work that we do and put more into our productions, marketing, and plans for the future.

 Headed in to Hot Yoga on Sunday morning, had a good class. More standing poses, which I always feel a little bit better about. I feel more stable, grounded, which I think is what you are supposed to get out of them. Then Rebecca shows us the Bird of Paradise pose.... woah. Perhaps someday I'll get there, but dang that girl is flexible. This isn't Rebecca, but it's what the pose looks like.

After class she and I had a really nice talk about how it can be frustrating to watch others in class complete poses and not be able to get there fully, or sometimes even partially. How it's hard to watch oneself in the mirror going into poses as one gets stuck in their head about how they look. I'm totally talking about myself. It's always a nice reminder at the beginning of class that the instructors remind us to not have negative self talk as we look in the mirror, to smile at ourselves and remember our intentions for class that day. But sometimes its hard to not be critical of yourself, especially when I can remember being able to do some of these poses in the past, and not can't. However, I was able to touch a couple of fingers to the ground in a forward fold and I felt comfortable going up into downward dog, although I couldn't hold it for very long. It's the class where I feel like I'm seeing the most progress so far. Wilton has said that my form has gotten better, but that it still need a lot of improvement. We will get there. After our nice talk, I went into the main studio and jumped on the scale. 270.1 lbs. That means that I've lost a total of 18 pounds since the beginning. Whoo!

 Shock (Cardio boxing) was okay this morning. I still get lost sometimes when CJ changes up the routine and by the time my muscles have finally figured out the order, we've moved on to the next set. I know it has a little to do with the fact that I'm not getting enough sleep, and I wasn't feeling totally great.

After class I was feeling pretty sick to my stomach and ended up calling in sick to work. Slept all day. Must have been something I ate the night before. I don't know. Feeling much better now and I think it all passed through my system.

Pulled it together for our Alice in Wonderland Jr. auditions tonight. Saw 46 kids. That's a lot.

Everything is feeling on the up and up. I know there is much more to go, but I'm still looking forward with a positive heart. Thank you to all who are following my journey. I greatly appreciate it.

All the love,
Kristin

Radioactive

Went to the X-ray place today to start my Thyroid Uptake Scan. The technician was ALL BUSINESS. He didn't want to make small talk or laugh at any of my jokes or congratulate me on losing 11 pounds in a month. It was like that Progresso Soup commercial where she tells the guy "They fit!" and he's all "...and..." and then she asks to talk to a woman. At any rate he gave me vial with a small pill and said to not touch the pill, but to just swallow it from out of the vial. Swallowed it and then I was sent on my way and told to return at 3:00 pm.

Went to the gym for CXWorx with Jody and Shock with CJ. Both good classes. In some exercises I am finding myself able to do more than I used to a month ago. That's pretty cool. I had strained my knee last week in the personal training session with Rachel and every once in a while it hurts again for a moment. I'm trying to really listen to it and give it breaks when I can.

Went home and got ready for work. Packed my lunch with a new set of turkey burgers and horseradish mustard! Delish.

Work was good. Got some tasks done. Went back to the X-ray place where I think they took pictures of my thyroid and my hip.... Why my hip, I don't know. Then he explained that I would be returning in the morning and he would be taking more pictures, give me a shot and then take more photos on the table.... oh, also there was another woman on the table when I got there and he said that he'd "be doing her at the same time he was doing me." It took every fiber of my being to not laugh, say that's what she said, or point out what he had said was totally inappropriate. The shot will make the iodine I took in the morning radioactive so they can see it in the pictures. That's kind of exciting.

Finished the work day and headed to DAY ONE OF TECH for Willy Wonka Kids. For my theatre friends, you know what this means. For everyone else, TECH WEEK is crazy time for us theatre people. It's the week that the show is getting ready to open and all hell breaks loose. We are adding technical elements like lights and sound and also adding costumes into the mix. It's also when all of our actors (all kiddos) decide to go crazy. It was an okay rehearsal, the first run wasn't so great but the second run was WAY better than the first one. We only did the first half of the show tonight. Second half tomorrow. I hope it will run smoothly twice.

Made my dinner, but my calabacitas didn't hold up very well in the fridge this time around... all mushy and mixed in with my rice. Unappetizing and yucky. I ate my chicken. I'll try to snack on some raisins or something when I get home.

Found a really great quote in The Daily Love today.
"This is when the magic happens: right when you feel like everything is going wrong, shift your attitude to accept that it's actually going right. Our judgments of how we think our life should be are preventing us from reaching our Highest Potential. If you're going through a storm, hold the belief that it's the perfect storm for you to be going through and that you've been given everything you need to weather the storm. When the chaos subsides you will experience the Truth that is forever true; you are always taken care of, exactly where you need to be and your efforts are rewarded exactly when they need to be. Remember this Truth the next time a storm is on the horizon and you will grow wings and be able fly right over it and towards the calm waters of Trust and Love." - Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath


Hope you are flying.


All the love,
Kristin

"Round Here, We Stay Up Very Very Late"

Today as I was heating up my chicken, calabacitas, and brown rice for dinner, and dreading eating it, it was a moment of can I do this for the next 11 months?

It's only been a month and I'm already bored with my food. Wah!!! I roll out to the lobby as my business partner snacks on a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and I want nothing more to grab a package off of our concession stand and eat one myself. But I don't. I worked too hard in Body Pump today to ruin it with a delicious chocolate and peanut butter treat. I sadly eat my dinner, which is pretty much the same every single night as it is the only thing so far I know how to cook. I'm totally bumming out.

Then, as I scroll facebook, I notice a friend has posted a music video of Regina Spector, which makes me remember a music video of hers that I like. I go to YouTube and pull it up. Then I remember another video, and another, and another. I find myself singing along and having a good time by my lonesome. I forget all about the chicken and the peanut butter cup and realize that 1. things could be a LOT worse that eating the same meal every night and 2. Ke$ha's music video for Blow is pretty freakin' hilarious.... also that music can help push other emotions to the surface.

It's one of the things that I enjoy most at eVolv, the music selection. Always fun and current and it wills you to move forward and to not stop. I appreciate the push.

When I'm especially sad there is nothing that pushes better than listening to my favorite band, Counting Crows. Listening to sad, soulful Adam Duritz sing about his melancholy in August and Everything After lets me dwell in mine for a few hours, and then we get to This Desert Life and by Mrs. Potter's Lullaby I'm a much happier camper.

Tomorrow, I walk 3 miles on the treadmill in an attempt to get under 60 minutes... here's hoping. I'm sure with the right music pulsing through the headphones I might be able to actually make it happen.

Here's to moving forward my friends. Put an album on that you love and rock out today, or take a moment to breathe, which ever you need.

All the love,
Kristin

Spicy Brown

Today was a normal day, except that I discovered putting mustard on my food! At 5 calories per tsp, it's the best way to liven up all the food I've been eating.

Today was tough, I wanted to eat everything except what I had packed for lunch. I've been trying to incorporate tuna (for a change from the turkey burger) but I can't eat any seafood until next week because I have to get a thyroid uptake exam.

Quite a few years ago by GYN noticed a nodule on my thyroid. Got my blood tested, results came back wonky, but not hypothyroidism... had an ultrasound, yep... big nodule. Had a biopsy, negative for cancer, thank goodness! Put on thyroid medication for a little while but was slowly taken off of it by my doctor. Guess it really wasn't doing anything. Couple years after that had it all looked at again. Nothing had really changed. Got it checked again at the start of this journey. Thyroid levels normal, but the ultrasound technician noticed that one of them had gotten smaller, like someone had drained the fluid out of it. Got a call from my doctor and they noticed increased blood flow to the nodule so they want to check it out with the thyroid uptake exam. From what I understand they will give me a shot with iodine in it so they can track it's path in my system. Any other iodine (from fish or seaweed) will give it a problem.

So I'm stuck eating turkey burgers until at least Tuesday.

Other than that things are normal. Normal workout, normal day at work, awful rehearsal for Willy Wonka (you have to have them sometimes though so the kids realize that they need to work harder), got caught up on my glee and New Girl episodes, the theatre's improv team The Show had a cool gig at Presbyterian that went well. All in all, an okay day.

Time to go home so I can try to make my bedtime of 11:30... haven't been making it so far... self imposed bedtimes.... I almost think since I've set it, I'm rebelling against it. I've always hated bedtimes. One of my favorite pillowcases as a child had Sally from Peanuts on it and it said "I hate to go to bed and night and I hate to get up in the morning." It has always explained my life best.