Modify, Modify, Modify

I owe you guys a total of 3 blogs.... one to make up for Saturday's non-blogness, one for Sunday, and one for today. So, this will be 3 blogs in one.

Saturday, I didn't have to go to the gym and I was given way to have a cheat day. It was a busy day as we had auditions for our upcoming Cardboard Playhouse Theatre Company production of Willy Wonka Kids. I ate all my regular breakfast of oatmeal, apple, and yogurt. Had a snack of pineapple. And then I had 3 pieces of a personal pizza and some soda. Then 2.5 hours of auditions. Showed my sister my new apartment. Went back to the theatre for The Show. Wilton came to see The Show with his family. It was nice to be able to share my business with him after he's been so gracious of sharing his business with me. After The Show we took the cast to JC's NYPD. I had a chicken parmigiana sandwich with a salad and some more soda. Then finally home to sleep. All in all a good day. Might have gone over my calories for the day... I'll try to do better.

Sunday found me meeting Wilton at eVolve for some one on one training. I ate a yogurt and an applesauce on the way there and then we went for a walk around my old elementary school. It was a nice brisk walk and talk where I feel like we got to know each other a lot better. Then, back at the gym, Wilton put some boxing gloves on me. I've never boxed ever. It was fun. Then some work with the resistance bands. Then my least favorite thing ever, lunges. They hurt my knees so much. Wilton is working with me to improve my technique so I do them so they don't hurt so much. It's going to take a lot of practice, but I think my technique will get better. Then home to shower, then to the grocery store, then Jenny was so kind to let me come over and cook at her home again as my apartment is still not totally moved in. She let me cook all on my own. I think I did pretty good, although without her helpful reminders I totally would have burned my chicken. I made 7 dinners, and made all my turkey burgers for lunch! Took me about an hour and a half. Gigantic feat for me and something that now feels totally doable. On my way to Jenny's I ate some turkey and string cheese. At the store I had a tuna sandwich on whole wheat. Snack after cooking, Clif bar. Cast the play. Gathered all my laundry, went to my sister's house. Ate chicken and black beans and rice. Did laundry and burned cds and fell asleep with my computer in my lap working on the rehearsal schedule.

Luckily I woke up at 8:00 am and had enough time to get ready for the gym for my 9:00 am CX Worx class. It focuses on toning your core. It was hard, but I made it through the 30 minute class in time for the 9:30 am Cardiobox class with CJ which again kicked my butt. What I have to continually remind myself in both of these classes is to modify things. I can't do everything yet, but I can do part or a not as intense version of what everyone else is doing. Made it through cardiobox again, so that was cool. Ran back to my sister's to shower, get dressed and collect my clean clothes. Made it to work a little late today. I was already bummed out that I hadn't finished the work I needed to the night before and now was definitely not going to get it done. Plus I had been rushing around so much I still hadn't eaten anything. I ran out to my car and grabbed a clif bar. After watching the front desk I was able to make my turkey burger with whole wheat sandwich buns and some carrots. So tired, I decided to drink a diet coke to get some caffeine in my system.

Today was the day that our office was going to get all measured and weighed for our competition. I was dreading it all day. Tired, hungry, bummed out... not a good mix to then find out your measurements. My weight hadn't changed from the last time I went to the doctor. 288 pounds. You read it here first. So disappointed in myself for letting it come this far before taking action. Then the BMI telling me I fall in the Obesity III category. Ugh. And the shame spiral is taking me under. Again, I cry in Jenny's office and I'm so mad at myself for being so weak.

I get so emotional and in my head that I can't talk about how I'm feeling. Jenny keeps trying to reassure me that I'm going to rock this and that no matter what I can't give up on myself. These things I know, but seeing it all on paper staring at me in black and white is just so heartbreaking. I know I will pull myself up and keep going. I'm taking this chance for everything that I can. I need to stop attaching so much weight to my weight. It's just a number after all. It doesn't change who I am as a person.

I finish up the day still feeling pretty low. Go pick up the copies for rehearsal from Kinko's. Head to The Box, heat up my dinner which I only eat 1/2 of. Just not hungry. The emotional eater in me is craving comfort food like mac and cheese, but I'm saying no and trying to deal with how I feel. The kids start to show up and I know I've got to get out there, smile and take charge. We have a great rehearsal, have brought so many great new kids into the theatre for the show (including Wilton's daugher! yay!) and I feel better. I'm with my family again and I know things are possible.

I know I have such a long road ahead of me. I know that it is possible to make happen. Jenny's goal for me is to lose 8 pounds by the end of the month. My goal is to be able to do lunges correctly. I'll be at PAINE in the am. I'll do my best to eat before I go. I'll do my best to have a snack and make it to work on time. I'll keep doing my best in everything I do and keep the smile on my face for as long as I can. Thank you so much for all of your support everybody. I wouldn't be this far without you.

Tomorrow's another day.

All my love,
Kristin